People and Place

I have frequently been at a loss lately. I really don’t know what I’m doing here. At first the whole point was to be anywhere but the US. Now I’m rethinking that, and reflecting on my previous abroad experiences. During my initial study abroad experience in London, I had unforgettable moments and developed an exhilarating independence. I also found closer friends than I’d ever had before. It wasn’t quite the same when I went back. I still loved the city, but I remember being lonely a lot.

I was desperately lonely in Dublin for a while as well. And though I never developed a particular affection for the place, I eventually solidified friendships that made my experience there a lot better. I was also still enchanted with the expat lifestyle. I was having incredible adventures, growing out of my shyness and developing my writing. I absolutely dreaded going home. So much so that I made a plan before I left Ireland to travel to Sydney in less than a year.

But I was taken by surprise. My life went in an unforseen new direction when I fell in love with Andy. And I realised that contentment has a lot less to do with where you live than I’d originally imagined. It’s all about connection. Having people that you care for in a place can change it entirely. That has a great deal to do with why I fell so hard for London initially. That eventually made the difference in Dublin. That completely upended my experience at home. That is what I’m lacking in Sydney.

As a result of my originally discovering it with flatmates I cared about, I have a tremendous affinity for London as a place. I’d often use that as a substitute for connection with people when I was lonely. I can do that a little bit with Sydney. It’s a cool city. But I’m lacking the absolute need to be here that I felt in London.

At first I thought that was just down to Andy not being here. A lot of it is. I miss him terribly, and our separation is, unfortunately, as difficult as I feared it would be. But it doesn’t have everything to do with Andy. A lot of it is just not having formed connections here yet. That will come.

For now I’m homesick. Wherever home may be. Part of it’s in England. Part of it’s in Ireland. Part of it’s in the US. And part of it’s in France. Because this has nothing to do with place. It’s the people that make it home.